Living in an Echo
Life with dissociation
An Echo
I am your echo in the night. The one who you hear when you scream out in an empty place. When you know no one else is in sight, the only reverberation is cast by you. Now, your echo will be responded.
Why an “Echo”?
Can you hear me?
Of course, within your perception, there may be a space to fill. This is my attempt to fill that void through a cry. The letters may fill that cavernous feeling, letting you know “you are not alone”.
Dissociation Disorder
This is not WebMD, so here is my personal take on dissociation disorder.
If you have read Slaughterhouse Five, you will know that Billy Pilgrim is the “time traveling” protagonist who transports from parts of his life without determination nor control.
This is the best way I can describe my dissociation.
I find myself unable to control where I go and what I think about; getting transferred from places and emotions that I have seen before or may see down the line. Some people may call it “daydreaming” and fair enough, I will not dispute you even though it can be a nightmare at times. Let that semantics battle take place elsewhere like the “PTSD, ShellShock” debate.
This has led me to places far beyond my reality and it has taken days to come back. While I am not claiming to have seen a Tralfamadorian, I have replayed the events of my life over and over with some gleaning and bewilderment. It is like watching a cartoon again once you are older and noticing the subliminal messages.
While it can be fun to escape reality without the use of illicit substances, there are negative connotations as well. Waking up and not recognizing your surroundings as “your home”, seeing yourself in the mirror and being perplexed by the image, no recollection of how things started and what happened in events that shaped you. All of this is a part of dissociation. It took me roughly 16 years to realize that I had been fading in and out of this state frequently. The “lazy river of life” was guiding me towards a waterfall.
When I wake up I realize that I was drifting, but it is startling to change between these two states-of-mind unwillingly.
What’s the big deal then?
The big deal is about giving you the shout. If you have dissociation, do not be scared of drifting off to another time and place, but do have your voice be heard. No somber being should be left weeping.
What to expect
Having this be a weekly outlet where I share stories and insights into my “Modern Warfare” with myself will be the goal. Additionally, honing my writing and becoming less of an enigma before I end up on the radio talking about “the aliens I saw”.
If this helped you in anyway or you have an Echo of your own, leave a comment and subscribe to this letter. I hope to hear your Echo too.